u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
