So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
