I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
