Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
