Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
