I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He had one of those small greek statue penises
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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