I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
