Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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