Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
