I didn't shave. On purpose
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
