literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
