Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
