I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
