I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
