There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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