Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
