She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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