like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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