His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
