I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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