Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
