God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
