Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize