in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
