I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
