I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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