plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
