He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
