A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
