my sisters under your porch take her home
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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