Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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