He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
