Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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