and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
