i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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