And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
