I could have mohawked her pubes.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
