just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
