i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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