Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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