I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
