Please, let me fuck your mom
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Randomize
