is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
