O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
