My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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