first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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