Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
