Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
