I'm going to jail i love you
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
