I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize