You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
