This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
