You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
