Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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