If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
