just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
