she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
