walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
