I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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