JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
